When Is Lying Acceptable?

By: Christine Coates (Written May 2022)

The truth can be painful. There is a time and place to slap somebody in the face with the truth and it’s important to know when it’s appropriate and when it’s wildly inappropriate. This was a fun lesson I learned the hard way at an old place of employment. In this article I want to talk about the truth, truthfulness and lying.

Is Lying Acceptable?

Is lying okay? Are white lies that are meant to spare the feelings of others acceptable? I ran a twitter poll and gathered a small sample size to see what you guys think and included the findings in this article. We all know there are different types of lies, small white lies we tell to avoid some short discomfort. Telling the truth usually always allows some space for elaboration. Some lies are intentional and can be very hurtful. Some lies are of omission, which is when we fail to do something when we know it is morally right.

For example: Our friend asks if they look nice in their new dress. You tell them yes you do, but the truth is they don’t look good in the dress. By lying you spare them some temporary discomfort, but you are not certainly not doing them any favors by lying and saying they look good.

26 Feb 2022 at 4:20pm I tweeted:

“The truth is, only very few people in your life will actually ever have your best interest at heart.”

It is an unfortunate truth, but never forget that only very few people will ever actually have your best interest in mind. Usually you can count these people on one hand.

I am a firm believer in the truth, which does not mean I have not lied. I have lied many times in my life, and I am not proud of the lies I have told.

When is Lying acceptable?

I decided to run a poll on twitter a few weeks ago as well as discuss this question with close friends and family. The poll ran on May 26th, 2022 for 24 hours and received a total of 216 votes.

Most of you voted for the correct answer- Never.

The results of the poll were interesting and I was happy when I found that “Never” was the most voted for, with “To Protect Loved Ones” in a close second. I’d like to dive a little deeper into the topic of lying to protect loved ones, as it is a topic that hits home for me.

Here’s an example: You are a mother of 5 children, and your husband was just told he has terminal cancer and 3–6 months to live. What do you tell your young children? When do you tell them? How much do you tell them? If you don’t tell them all the details, is it still considered lying? There can be a lot of questions here on what would be considered right or wrong in this situation. Lets talk about it a little more.

Lies of Commission VS Omission

As most of us are aware, there are two main types of lying. There are lies of commission, which is stating an untrue statement with intent to deceive. Then there are lies of omission, which are lies misrepresenting an idea or leaving out an important detail. They are not necessarily untrue, but misleading. I think in everyday life, lies of omission are more common as well as some can argue “less looked down upon.” Sometimes we lie with good intentions, like to protect a friend or a family member. The reality is, even if you think you are, you are not protecting them, you are actually doing them a disservice. Lets discuss one of the most common lies we see in today’s society.

The Extraordinary Common Lie

One of the more extraordinary common lies we come across in life are lies of omission around medical deception. This involves family members deceiving others about diagnosis, or trying to protect their parents or children by not informing them about a medical diagnosis. An example is that grandma is 93 years old and she has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. She has been in and out of the hospital and the doctor informs you as her HCP that she is terminally ill. The doctor then has a discussion with you about how you can decide with other family members how to move forward.

Some would argue it is something grandma does not need to specifically know. We can tell her she is dying but we don’t need to give her the exact diagnosis or the prognosis because “that will upset her and we want her to enjoy the time she has left.” The intentions for lying to grandma, are of course, good intentions, and to protect her, but you are not grandma. This is just not a decision for a family member to make on behalf of another, although the intentions are good, you do not know what Grandma wants and she deserves the truth and the ability to decide for herself. We all deserve the truth, regardless of how painful it may be.

This topic hits home to me because of some experiences I went through during my young adult years. When I was a senior in high school, my father was diagnosed with stage four kidney cancer and given 6 months to live with treatment. As my mother, how do you tell your oldest daughter (21 yr old) that Dad won’t see her graduate college or be there to walk her down the aisle. How do you tell your two baby twins (17 yrs old) that their father might be dead before they graduate high school and even go off to college.

Damn, rereading that, I am reminded of why this type of lie is common. How does a mother tell their children that? It would be much easier not too. My parents did not hide it from me for any long period of time. I specifically remember my father, mother and my papa (Father’s dad- currently my best friend & roommate) all going out to dinner together. I said to my twin brother “Something is wrong, like wrong wrong- when is the last time mom and dad went out to dinner with papa? When they were preparing to tell us about Uncle Steven!” My brother responded with something like “Yeah seems strange.” and went back to playing Runescape.

My parents came home from that dinner and I knew something was very wrong. Even at the age of seventeen, I’ve been really good at reading people and the readings I got from my parents that night truly scared me. I will be completely honest here, since this article is about lying. I am kinda ashamed that I cannot remember exactly how my parents told my twin brother and I that my dad had cancer. I was going to call my mom to ask but decided not too, in fear of upsetting her. What I do know is that we were not told all the details at the time when we were 17 years old.

With each additional detail I discovered, it angered me. I immediately assumed when it came to the health of any of my family members, I would not be told the truth. This took a toll on my relationship with my mother because I questioned everything she told me, then would snoop around for the paperwork from the hospital for the truth.

Ten Years Later

If I was aware of all the details of my father’s diagnosis from the beginning, I can say that I would have done some things differently. I wish my parents sat me down and said “Dad has 6 months to live, it might be longer than that, but it will not be pleasant.” I don’t blame my mother for leaving out some of the details, as I know how hard this was for her too. As some time went by, I soon discovered the seriousness of the situation.

Ten years later (2022), I called my mom crying in hysterics, I could not even talk. I apologized to her for being angry about not telling my siblings and I all the details of my dad’s prognosis. She started crying, and I said there is no right way to have to tell your children that type of news. I love you so much mom and you always did the best for all three of us. This actually took place within the last few months. I really felt quite horrible about how I acted when I was seventeen years old and I felt I still owed my mother an apology for my anger. She reassured me, that I had every right to be angry.

I won’t lie it took me much longer than I wanted it too to write this article. I kept writing paragraphs and erasing them, and repeating them, etc. The truth hurts, but we all deserve it, no matter how painful. The truth typically hurts only once. A lie hurts every single time you remember it. Think about that for a second and think about an example in your life where a loved one may have lied or deceived you or vice versa. We are all worthy of the full truth, so please remember this next time you have some hard truths to discuss with your friends or family. In the end, the truth will always win, one way or the other.

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